Three jokes equals one snarky commentary

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as heck didn’t!”

———————-

Speaking of vampires…

10 commandments

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can’t post:

Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and
Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

———————-

Did I mention qualifications?

The Less You Know, The More You Make

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

——————–

Thus ends today’s snarky commentary on the political environment in the US.

Disclaimer: I found the material for this post on the internet. It is not my original work. If you know the original author, please let me know so I may credit them. Thank you.

Media “relations”

Things You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it’s in your best interest — practice obedience.

- Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you’re not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them

Disclaimer: I found the material for this post on the internet.  It is not my original work.  If you know the original author, please let me know so I may credit them.  Thank you.

There’s truth in humor

Disclaimer: I found the material for this post on the internet.  It is not my original work.  If you know the original author, please let me know so I may credit them.  Thank you.

Corporate Boat Race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of Executives was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.”

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment.” That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

——— Commentary by ~webofhistory ————–

The next time you’re wondering what happened to your 401(K) or the housing market or the auto companies or you wonder why wages have been stagnant since the 1980s, read this joke again – and again – and again – and one more time.  Perhaps the humor of the situation will begin to sink in.   Perhaps then you’ll realize, the joke is on you.

What a difference a century makes

Disclaimer: I found the material for this post on the internet.  It is not my original work.  If you know the original author, please let me know so I may credit them.  Thank you.

The year is 1906.  One hundred and two (almost three) years ago.

What a difference a century makes.

Here are some US statistics for the Year 1906:

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home. The AMA had yet to take over medicine and create the medical industry in order to create political and economic power for themselves.  Midwifery was still legal and accepted.

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO college education.   Instead, they attended “medical schools,” many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.   Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school yet they had an 80 percent literacy rate.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Landscape of Grief

Because life isn’t always just about politics.  I wrote this some time ago for a fellow poster at a political message board after she reported the loss of her father.  The responses to her post were so similar to each other and to my own experience of my dad’s death that I wrote this out for her.  It was well received and I’ve decided I need to include it here because, there is more to our lives than just fighting politics.

From the moment of your father’s death, time will seem suspended in amber only to pass in an instant. And you will grieve.

At first there is a gathering of family and friends. Jokes and stories abound. Maybe even some morbid humor as you get through the living that constitutes dying. Bittersweet memories of a loved one now gone.

The pain is so intense you won’t feel it anymore. Days seem like minutes which take months to pass.

The family gathered will dispurse to their everyday lives and you will return to yours. Not gradually as you might like; but SMACK into the mundane every day which is your life. And you will grieve. And you will cope. And the weeks pass.

The pain is so intense; it’s a knife in your gut; you can’t breath, but you must. So you gasp.

Every morning you awake to the feeling of loss. Then you remember and you gasp.

Every thought, every feeling returns to your dad. As you work. As you drive. As you write checks for bills. A constant sharp pain where your dad once lived is ever present.

You hear a funny story and you reach for the phone. But he’s not there to hear it and you gasp. Tears become a constant companion and threat. Ours is not a world which honors the grieving. So you swallow your tears and move on.

You need your best advisor for a major decision. “I’ll have to check with my dad” almost escapes your lips as you swallow and tell the person in front of you, “I’ll have to get back to you on that.” You feel numb.

You can’t remember his face. And you cry for what you’ve lost. Pouring over old family photos you vow to etch his face in your mind. But you don’t. You can’t remember his face. You feel fear. Then shame. Then numb.

One morning you awaken and finish your coffee before the feeling of loss returns. You feel guilt you forgot. The pain stabs you in the gut and you gasp.

One day you hear a funny story and think “my dad would have loved that” and you smile through the tears. And you cry as you laugh.

The next morning you awake to a pain so intense you can’t breath. You remember and you cry.

Months down the road as you face another decision, you think, “I wonder what my dad would have done?” You smile with a bittersweet memory of your dad’s words ringing through your head. And you breathe.

Days later you awake and remember you dreamt of your dad. And you smile.

One day as you’re driving down the road, the pain hits so hard you have to pull over and scream and cry and rage at the world. Then you breathe.

Weeks later as you’re working in your garden, unbidden your father’s face comes to you. You gasp. Then you smile. Then you cry.

The next morning you awake to your father’s face in your mind. And you smile. Then you breathe. Then you smile and you go on.

Astroturf email – 21st Century Propaganda

Below is an example of the modern usage of appeals to ignorance and partial truths sent to in-boxes in order to influence and obfuscate issues and reality in the political mind; Astroturfing.

My response to this low-information, inaccurate, and misleading screed, follows.

Dear Fellow Business Owners

As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next president, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Customer will have to see an increase in my fees to them of about 8-10%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me as I believe we are family here and didn’t know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did.

I strolled thru the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

I can’t think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know.

I am sending this letter to all business owners that I know.

Sincerely
Ward
JOOA Corp.

——————-

My Response to “Ward.”

Dear Ward,

Since you asked for a better idea, I have several for you.

1. Fire your accountant. If the one you have now doesn’t know the difference between gross and net you have already been paying too much in taxes. If the one you have now hasn’t been taking all the tax breaks and deductions you receive by paying those “increased” fees and taxes, they should not be allowed to do taxes.

2. When you find a new accountant who has some tax knowledge, have them review your prior years taxes as it appears you may have several refunds waiting for you. Make sure they check all the states in which you’ve paid taxes but did not earn income. That’s *earned* income, Ward. Your new knowledgeable accountant should know the difference.

3. Make sure your new accountant is full time and on premises during business hours as it appears you have zero knowledge of business finances and bookkeeping. That reminds me, hire a good bookkeeper while you’re at it to help your new accountant track your income, expenses, A/R, and A/P. Oh, A/R stands for accounts receivable and A/P stands for accounts payable. It’s pretty obvious you don’t know those terms.

4. Hire a lawyer. It appears you may be in violation of federal labor laws if you think you can fire people based on their political party membership or ideals. The lawsuits will cost you quite a bit more than your “increased” fees and taxes, but hey, at least you won’t be contributing to the “socialist” government you seem to fear.

5. The Small Business Administration (SBA) offers classes in how to run a business which include finances, labor law, tax law and the like. You are several years behind the curve; sign up now!

6. Remember to take responsibility for the fact that you lose business when you are ignorant enough to wave your political idiocy in front of your customers. Your customers want a good product followed by good customer service. It sounds like you may need to work on that if you’re as “knowledgeable” about your business as you are about taxes and business finances.

7. Please, tell me what product you sell and what business you do. I couldn’t find “JOOA Corp” in a quick google search. I’d like to avoid such a poorly run business headed by such an ignorant business owner. If your products are of the same quality as your business acumen, I don’t care to waste my money.

8. Hire someone to market your business. As noted above, I couldn’t find “JOOA Corp” in a quick google search. This is the 21st Century and successful businesses have an internet presence and spend some time promoting their business online. You need someone who knows about internet marketing and search engines.

All in all Ward, I’d say you’re a piss poor business man who doesn’t know one thing about running a successful business. Do you even have a business, Ward? Or are you like “Joe the Plumber” sitting at home dreaming of the day you’ll suddenly wake up with an entrepreneurial spirit and loads of cash to start up a business you don’t know how to run?

Good luck with that dream. Those of us in the real world know it takes work and responsibility and knowledge to run a business. It also requires creative thought and the ability to think independently, both of which, based on your willingness to blindly spew ignorance, you are sadly lacking.

Oh, one more thing. Based on your obvious ignorance, hire a good bankruptcy lawyer.

Signed,

Remember History

Make Mine Freedom

Anti-Communism Cartoon – 1948

This video is but one example of the way in which propaganda was used against collectivism in the US to vilify and distort the pool of Common Knowledge during those times that populist movements were coming together for the rights of We, the People. This particular piece of propaganda was used during the Cold War as an example of the “evils” of the Soviet Union. US populist movements had been, and would continue to be, equated with the evil Soviet Union for many years.

See, for most recent examples, talking heads and politicians who referred to then Senator, Barack Obama as a Marxist, his proposed policies as socialist, and the dire warnings of impending communism should he be elected. It would appear based on his overwhelming win that Americans are ready for a “Marxist” with a “socialist” agenda and are ready to welcome “communism” to the US.

From AnimationStation

A trip down memory lane…

to mandatory universal auto insurance coverage and One Nation, Under Surveillance.

I’m old enough to remember (or perhaps I heard my parents discuss) when car insurance was not mandated by law. I remember when the auto insurance industry started its campaign in State Congresses across the nation to make it legislation. During that same time, there was a noticeable increase in media reports of horror stories involving uninsured drivers and how they “devastated” entire families. Many people, including my father, had some choice words about the insurance industry and their influence in politics and legislation. I believe they are also the ones who wrote the legislation which ultimately became nationwide law.

The media reports of the horrors of uninsured motorists quickly died off. Apparently overnight, there were no more uninsured motorists on the road causing devastation wherever they drove.

Next came a time when the banking and security industries joined forces to install video surveillance at ATM locations. Privacy rights activists warned of the “edge of the wedge” and how allowing video cameras at ATM locations would be just the beginning of “one nation, under surveillance.” They were of course ridiculed in the nightly “news” as more and more reports were broadcast in gory detail of muggings and murders at ATM locations across the nation. Fortunately, for those industries, there was also an uptick in horrific murders and shootings – appearing on the nightly news – at convenience stores across the nation. You know the rest. The cameras went into place and being surveilled for our safety and security is more and more common place.

The media reports of these atrocities, then as before, quickly died off. Apparently overnight, there were no longer muggings and horrific murders in convenience stores and at ATM locations across the land – at least as far as the “news” was concerned.

Around this same time came the multiple deaths of scores and hundreds of passengers on commercial commuter trains caused by engineers and deaths on the highways caused by truck drivers, all “under the influence” and became a regular feature of the “if it bleeds, it leads” nightly “news.” Privacy rights activists again warned of the edge of the wedge in drug testing but were seen as callous and uncaring in the massive media coverage of all crashes “drug” related. Today, peeing in a cup is a new-hire ritual for everything from airline pilot, to bus driver, to the clerk at the automotive parts counter.

Again, overnight, according the the “news,” people stopped dying in drug-haze-induced commuter and highway wrecks.

Am I saying these things did not happen? Of course not. But, have they stopped completely? Of course not. Yet we do not see the media coverage saturate the nightly “news” to the extent that we did when legislation was being fostered through the system around these distinct and specific issues which have gradually eroded our rights to privacy, sovereignty over our own bodies, or of making our own financial decisions, in the name of our “safety” and “security.”

So I will reiterate, no, I am not saying these things did not happen. What I am saying is that anytime there is legislation in the works to enact some draconian laws which will further erode some Constitutionally guaranteed rights, the media exaggerates the number of events by focusing on those events to the exclusion of other horrific nightly “news.”

For example, why do they not cover the number of uninsured or under-insured people who die each year due to claims denied or unavailable health care? Surely those deaths are at least as important. Why do they not cover the number of wounded and killed soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan? Again, aren’t they important, too? Don’t these stories fall under the aegis of “if it bleeds, it leads”?

Well, I’m sure I just imagined it all and the media does nothing to fuel our fear or in any way shape our shared common knowledge.